hello brothers! praise God for Gabe's baptism, and for raising his Son!


"As the Ruin Falls"

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

-CS Lewis


Thursday's message was an answer to all the conflict in my heart thats been accumulating for a while. We want so badly for our faith to be pure and real and raw, and so everytime I see the insertion of self into my spiritual life and ministry, I hate myself for it, because its done in the name of God and yet i want it to serve myself too. "Are we fellowshipping to pray, or are we 'praying' just for fellowship?" is something i kept asking myself about our prayer mtgs. (ayiah i'm so sorry, i know, i suck) I know that its not the system and structure that always needs adjusting, but always the heart of the individual(s). Our activities just cant be compromised with even a hint of impure motives, thats all. And as a human, its impossible for me to maintain that standard, so its only in my moments of weakness, trusting God, that my motives can be pure.

Its just crazy 'coincidence' in the timing of it all, b/c Justin's words were exactly what had been resonating in my heart the same week. The cool part is that his message came with the answer to my conflict. My friend from backhome felt the same way i did about hating the 'Christian institution"- (basically anything fake that holds the name of God, but is not really done for God), and her response after seeing this everywhere, was to flee from it and join a crazy house church where they pray like mad and live super passionately. haha, i still love her though. and her faith surpasses mine. BUT seeing my compromised heart, and in my moments of wondering if i needed to abandon it all like her, I learned from the message that you don't run away. You stay and pray contstantly for a humbled heart in light of the cost of Jesus' blood. =) thank you God. Hmm. i also learned that i need to stop cowering in my thoughts and prayers, and step out and take a beating for Jesus. woo!

but I think its something i've been learning and growing alot in this year, honesty with myself about my relationship with God. It's also encouraging to hear fellow sg-ees growing in the same way.

yay. okay this is super not cool, b/c easter was put in the shadow in this post most recent to easter day.
praise God because He has risen!

And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is futile; you are still in your sins.
-1Cor 15:17